The Transition: Summer Movie Guide (part 2)

i've started watching Lost. i'm not proud of it, but i finally gave in to the peer pressure. i have a few friends who watch and love the show, and i respect their opinions (except for brad; fuck that guy), so i figured i'd bite the bullet. i'm halfway through the first season, and the show is already starting to piss me off by making me ask a lot of questions. a chilling vision of things to come...

anyway, on to the movies coming out in the latter half of the summer.

july:

• on the 2nd we get The Last Airbender. the trailers have made it out to be a pretty decent epic, and i guess the anime it's based on is sweet. i like the idea of the premise, namely that each element (air, fire, water, and earth) have their own faction, and a guy who can manipulate each element must stop the fire faction from taking over. that's really enough to get me to go see it. however, i only have one holdup: m. night. shamalamadingdong is directing this one, and he also wrote it. let's chart his career, shall we? Sixth Sense = damn good, and that twist really got people at the end. Unbreakable = his best movie in my opinion, but i love superhero stories and bruce willis. Signs = still decent (though some hated it), but the twist at the end was retarded. only my liking of mel gibson kept me from being upset by it. The Village = good twist, bad rest of movie. still, a noticeable pattern here. Lady in the Water = fuck all this was bad. one of the worst movies i've ever seen, and i've seen Gigli. The Happening = wow. just wow. plants are killing us all through pheremones? marky mark outrunning the wind? this was better than Lady in the water SOLELY because it has zooey deschanel in it, and i want a threesome with her and katy perry. so yeah, i'm a little skeptical that m. night can take The Last Airbender and not fuck it up. prove me wrong, m. night. prove me wrong...
  
• july 9th brings us Despicable Me. i have a 3 yr old nephew; thus, i have to see any animated movie that looks mildly entertaining. oddly enough, this usually works out in my favor. anything pixar does is great, and dreamworks usually puts out good stuff as well; Monsters vs. Aliens was actually pretty damn funny. plus, at heart i'm still a big kid (just now a big kid who likes seeing gratuitous female nudity and violence), so i don't really mind seeing kid movies. also, Despicable me has some great voice talent: steve carell, kristen wiig, jason segel, will arnett, ken jeong (who gina hates), danny mcbride, russell brand, and best of all, jemaine clement from Flight of the Concords. i'll see anything that man does.
• what's the exact opposite of a kid's movie? Predators, which also comes out on july 9th and which i will definitely be seeing. i wrote about this movie in my sci-fi horror/thriller post a bit (maybe you should go read that post, you know, if you haven't already). it's directed by a guy named nimrod. historical references aside, i can't help but find this funny. i am not mature. i'm intrigued to see how badass topher grace and adrien brody can be. however, as long as this movie has 1) someone's head/arm/leg getting blown off by a shoulder laser cannon, and 2) someone getting impaled on those badass arm spikes, i'll be satisfied.
• on july 16th, nic cage stars in another jerry bruckheimer/disney movie, The Sorcerer's Apprentice. as i've already said, these movies, while not "good" and certainly not oscar winners, tend to be entertaining. also, i'm now going on record and saying that i love nic cage. the man rocks. he did his his serious acting bit in Leaving Las Vegas, won an oscar for it, and it's like he decided after that that he would spend the rest of his career being completely off his nut. he overacts the shit out of his scenes, his hair is always terrible, and his jokes are even worse, but goddamn the man is entertaining. i honestly cannot think of a nic cage movie i don't like. i'm going to have to write a separate post solely about nic cage. maybe tomorrow. oh, yeah, the movie. anyway, this will definitely be a great visual movie, and jay baruchel is usually pretty funny, so it'll be a fine summer popcorn flick.
• so The Sorcerer's Apprentice will be a shallow, easy-going, fun movie. going up against it that weekend is Inception. these two movies are polar opposites. i have no idea what Inception is about (most people don't), and the trailer is trippy as hell and makes no real sense. none of that matters, because this is the latest movie by christopher nolan. if you didn't know, that's the guy who directed and helped write Batman Begins, The Dark Knight, The Prestige, and Memento. every single one of those movies rocks so much face it's unbelievable. nolan could shit in a box and shine a light through it, and i'd still pay $8 to go see it on a friday night. this movie will be awesome, and then in another 2 years nolan will put out the next batman movie. god i can't wait.
• on july 23rd, Dinner for Schmucks. i don't know anything about this other than that it has paul rudd, steve carell, jemaine clement, and zach galifianakis. that's really all i need to know. i'll even overlook the fact that the movie is directed by the guy who did Meet the Fockers and 50 First Dates. oh, also, one of the 7 writers of this movie is the guy who wrote 148 episodes of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Aire. i loved that show. a young tyra banks, the carlton dance, and hip black comedy that a white lower-middle class kid from rural michigan could laugh at. good times.
• that actually rounds out july. not as many great movies as the earlier months, but the high points could be pretty damn high. also, with all the other activities in july (the 4th, a possible camping/canoeing trip/copious drinking), i won't feel bad not spending all of my time in a movie theater.
  

august:

• on the 6th, we get The Other Guys. this is some cop comedy with will ferrell, marky mark, samuel l. jackson, the rock, michael keaton, eva mendes, ray stevenson (see my post about Outpost and british horror movies), anne heche, steve coogan, rob riggle, ok jesus christ, i'm not writing any more of the people in this movie. i mean damn, who isn't in this movie? all that's left is fucking paris hilton. /checks imdb page again. damn, she's in it too. and it's written/directed by the guy who did Anchorman. crap. i'm calling it now, this thing will either crash and burn like Stepbrothers, or it will be the most quoted movie of the next 2 years like Anchorman. there will be no middle ground.
• also on the 6th, Step Up 3-D ... just kidding.
• on the 13th, Scott Pilgrim vs. The World. this is another one based on a comic, but it's like a weird indie comic, so it doesn't count. as a threshold matter, here's some pros and cons of this movie. Pros: mary elizabeth winstead (here's a hot younger actress for you Nate), chris evans, brandon routh (starred in Superman Returns and was crap, but was the lover of a gay porn star in Zack and Miri Make a Porno, so he's forgiven). Cons: kieran culkin (weird-lookin), anna kendrick (Up in the Air was overrated), and jason schawrtzman (he just rubs me the wrong way). the biggest con of all, though, is that this movie stars michael cera, and it looks like it could possibly be similar to Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. that movie was the worst bit of indie-emo bullshit i've ever seen. not even kat denning's massive, massive breasts could save it. cera was great in Superbad and Arrested Development, but the guy is a one trick pony. whether that's his fault or simply what they make him do, i don't know, but i hate him for it. "hey, look at me, i'm stumbling all over my words and sound like my balls haven't dropped. i'm 22 and can still pass for 14." for some reason, this guy reminds me of what aaron was probably like when he was 14, and for that aaron, i'm sorry, but i just can't get the visual out of my head. if it makes you feel any better, i was the worst kind of awkward at 14, so don't feel bad. anyway, as much as i hate michael cera, i'll still see this movie because it's written and directed by edgar wright, who did 3 of my all-time favorite productions: Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, and Spaced (see my simon pegg post). because of wright, i now have to see this, and i'm gonna have to find a girl to go see it with. damn.
• luckily, to get rid of the taste of complete pussiness that Scott Pilgrim vs. The World could leave in my mouth, the 13th of august brings what could be the best bad movie of the summer: The Expendables. sly stallone decided we needed an old-school 80s action movie where a bunch of mercs overthrow a south american dictator. thank you stallone... thank you. this movie has so many [former] greats: stallone, ivan drago, jet li, jason statham, eric roberts, steve austin, randy couture, mickey rourke, terry crews, bruce willis, the governator, danny trejo... oh man, it's just too awesome. if there's a cameo by steven seagal and/or JCVD, i'll die a happy man. if steven seagal plays a guitar or JCVD does the splits, i'll die right in the theater. oh, also, projected body count: 153. projected life-threatening injuries to main characters: 0.
  
• ok, i was wrong. the movie that finishes out the summer will easily be the best bad movie of the summer, most likely of the year: Piranha 3-D. the cast of this one reads like a celebrity rehab call sheet: dina meyer (the hot redhead in Starship Troopers), elisabeth shue (who doesn't still love her from The Karate Kid, really?), christopher lloyd (gigawats!), ving rhames (we need a slightly menacing black man, stat!), richard dreyfuss (what we're dealing with here is an eating machine...), and jerry o'connell (uh, Sliders?). wow. combine all that bad acting with some mutant piranhas, gory death scenes, tons of jiggling spring break breasts, and then imagine it all flying towards you in truly crappy 3-D. if there's a better way to transition from movies back to sports, i don't know it.

september really doesn't seem to hold anything worthwhile, but it's hard to say right now. there's always some stuff off the radar, and who knows what'll show up in 5 months. by then, i'll be too busy tailgating for MSU football games, updating my fantasy football roster, and planning a halloween trip to vegas to care.

well, that's about it for the summer movie crop. i'll be going to see Kick-Ass on friday, so there'll be a post about it sometime this weekend. it'll either be A) me being tremendously happy, B) me being slightly disappointed, but still pleased, or C) me cursing hollywood for their sins. either way, i'll try to make with the funny.

as big daddy drew would say, yours in the comments.