Ninja Assassin: my long-awaited return to blogging about movies.

so the last time i updated this thing was april 2. wow. i'd kinda given up on the whole thing, as it seemed like a fun idea at the time, but eventually kinda dragged down. how those geniuses at Cracked.com do it every day is beyond me. however, after a fantastic thanksgiving dinner last night (i seriously ate and drank 6 pounds worth of awesomeness), my brothers and i decided to go see Ninja Assassin, and the movie was so... so... inspiring (?) that i just had to write a post about it.

for those of you who don't know, NA is by the guys who did the matrix. thankfully, this movie contains much less techno music, latex, and bondage than the matrix trilogy. also, there's no guy who makes a 15 minute speech only those well-trained in boolean logic can understand, so you know, that's a plus. the matrix guys only produced it, so maybe thats why the director was able to filter that crap out. however, there are about 15 scenes that take place in pouring rain, similar to the matrix. guess you can't win every battle.

poor keanu, he just tries so hard. it's ok keanu, i still love you.
you and nicholas cage. cage is the man.

here's a rundown of the plot. there's a clan of ninjas that capture and train little orphans how to become ninja assassins, and these ninja assassins eventually go out on hire and kill people for various governments. one of the ninjas goes rogue because of a chick. then there's a girl who works for some agency that isn't really important who tries to track down the whole ninja assassin clan thing, and she eventually falls in with our hero. all of that is just background, however, for sweet sweet ninja ass kicking.

we start the ass kicking with flashbacks to the training of the orphans. there's a bunch of asian kids sitting around in a room while a guy who sounds like he has a serious speech impediment lectures them about family. i wish i could describe this guy's voice over the internet, but it's kinda tough. the best i can do is if you've ever heard brett do his fake deep japanese voice, it's like that, but worse. i mean, this guy has SERIOUS trouble with L's and R's. in the flashbacks, our hero (though you really don't know this at first) gets wailed on by the instructor for making the smallest mistakes. the soles of his feet get lashed, and he lies in bed with his feet bleeding. then, another orphan comes and puts some ointment on them, and a bond is formed.

at this point in the movie, i knew something my brothers didn't know. having spent 2 years living in the inner richmond of san francisco, i've seen my fair share of asians. therefore, i knew the ointment-administering orphan was actually a little girl. how did i know this? she had a tiny ponytail. seriously, there's no other fucking way to tell. my brothers didn't know she was a chick till 3 flashbacks later when she had boobs. i don't want to say that all asians look alike, because they don't, but holy shit do they look asexual when they're young.

(note, i was going to do a google image search to find comparison pictures of a young asian boy and a young asian girl. HO-LEE SHIT, do NOT type "young asian boy" in google. trust me, you are not feeling lucky...)

anyway, the movie progresses, there's some semblence of plot and character development, and then there's a whole lot of ninja fights. the ninjas fight in a house, in the street, in some kind of half-finished building, in a bar, and finally, in the ninja hideout. the fight scenes are fun, mostly involving a lot of flipping around, flashing lights as people try to shoot the ninjas in vain, and decapitations. here are the three main points to know about this movie's action scenes, which is really what the movie is about:

1. good lord almighty is there a lot of blood. they really didn't leave anything out. the human body doesn't even contain as much blood as is shown in this movie, but they sure poured it on. people lose limbs left right and sideways, people take ninja stars to the face, one dude gets his head smashed into a urinal, and about 4 people get cut completely in half. at one point, this guy gets a sword shoved into his shoulder, and blood gushes (GUSHES!) for literally 20 seconds. it was like a fucking fountain. it reached a level of hilarity that made me laugh out loud.

2. the wachowski brothers REALLY hate cops. to be a cop in one of their movies means you'll either be A) killed by someone wearing latex, B) possessed by matrix agents, or C) ripped to fucking shreds by ninjas. if you're a cop wearing riot gear, you're doubly fucked. does kevlar and body armor protect against bullets? sure. does it protect against ninja stars? fuck no.

3. the hero gets his ass kicked. in the matrix, neo got wailed on by agent smith in every movie, even dying in the first and third. in this movie, our hero kicks a lot of ass, but he sure takes a beating. ninja stars to the chest and legs, sword slashes all over the place, and some weird ancient japanese gut punch thing that leaves him in agony for 24 hrs (note to self: learn ancient technique, use it on Twilight fans). to be a hero in a wachowski brothers movie is almost as a bad as being a cop, but at least you get some ass out of it.

Pictured: the woman of about a million nerds' dreams (mine included).

the action in this movie really culminates in the final fight scene. it's at the ninja hideout, our hero is completely fucked up, and he's about to be executed by his fellow ninjas for going rogue. all seems lost... but wait, here comes the fucking cavalry! at this point, the movie devolves into something i drew on the back of my trapper keeper when i was 9 years old. it goes a little something like this:

ninjas fighting cops! yeah! and then this cop comes in with a machine gun and shoots a ninja! and then a ninja stabs that cop in the back with a sword! and then a cop shoots that ninja with a bazooka! and then a ninja takes out 3 cops with ninja stars! and then a humvee comes in with a cop firing a gun out of the top of it! and then a ninja decapitates the humvee cop with a chain weapon of some sort! and then a helicopter comes in and shoots some missiles at the ninjas, but the ninjas jump out of the way! and then a group of ninjas riding raptors with laser beams for eyes come in! and then spider-man swings and ties up a ninja! and then a ninja stabs mrs. campbell in the eye with his sword for yelling at me for drawing when i should be learning how to divide fractions! die mrs. campbell, die!

if you can imagine a sprawling epic of stick figure ninjas, stick figure cops, and a whole shitload of explosions, then you've got the storyboard for the final 20 minutes of the movie. i cracked up the entire time. apparently when you let quentin tarantino make movies based on the stuff he loved from childhood, you get the cinematic abortions that were grindhouse and kill bill 2. when you let the wachowski brothers do it, you get ninjas fighting cops. is it worth the money to go see? yes. is it worth the money to go see really really stoned? god yes.

enjoy, my friends...

Ninja Assassin: apparently you can have a good movie with the word "ninja" in the title...