Green Street Hooligans: elijah wood can take a punch. who knew?

last night, instead of getting a good night's sleep before my copyright final like a normal person, i stayed up until 3:30am watching Green Street Hooligans. it goes without saying that my grade is probably going to suffer, but it was worth it.

the moose was my exam; the statue was me...

Green Street Hooligans is a fantastic movie. elijah wood stars as a kid who get's expelled from harvard because his preppy roommate through him under the bus when the school found drugs in their room. in order to make himself feel better, the preppy bastard give elijah $10,000. at first frodo says no way, but then realizes he's fucked anyway, he might as well get some cash. so he takes the money, packs his bags, and heads to london to see his older sister (played by the fantastically hot claire forlani). elijah meets his sister's husband's brother, who is a soccer hooligan (though we don't really know that yet). in order to get some alone time with the sister, the husband gives elijah some cash and makes his brother take him to the soccer match. i would've shoved the little midget out the door to get some nookie with claire forlani too, manners be damned. it's once elijah and the brother (pete, played by the british guy from undeclared) head out that things get interesting.

this movie is all about soccer hooliganism. across the pond, soccer teams have "firms," which are basically gangs consisting of people worse than patriots, raiders, and packers fans all put together. what do these firms do? they do what any good fan does, get shitfaced and beat the living shit out of the fans (here, firms) of other teams. these guys pretty much rule certain parts of london, but they only fight each other. it's like fight club, but with more drinking and in public. and really, that's what makes this movie cool. it's an indepth look at the life of a soccer hooligan (goddamn hooligan is a fun word to say. hooligan hooligan hooligan), basically exploring who they are, why they do it, and just how obsessed these people are with their teams. but they're not obsessed in the pussy way that american fans are obsessed (ie, wearing team colors all the time, getting a team-themed room in their house, making their wife/prostitute call them lombardi during sex). no, these guys are obsessed in that they live and breathe their teams, and are completely willing to whip the everloving shit out of you for liking some other team. if we had this kind of rivalries in the states, the entire eastern seaboard would have killed each other off. and really, wouldn't that make the world a better place?

imagine being able to curb-stomp these guys, and NOT be the result of a nationwide manhunt... *sigh*

so the movie explores little elijah's descent into the world of hooliganism (hooliganism hooliganism hooliganism... sweeeeeeet), and the inevitable consequences (broken noses, blood, learning how to not hit like a girl, etc). this isn't a documentary, and there is actually a good story in there, so don't feel like watching this movie is akin to doing homework or *shudder* learning... the music is good, the direction is good, the way the movie is shot is good. maybe this is because the chick who directed this did punisher: war zone, and she sure can film people getting seven shades of shit knocked out of them. so grab a pint, put on your favorite west ham united jersey, and enjoy this movie.

oh, and watch it with the subtitles on. you can't understand those limey fucks for shit otherwise...

Green Street Hooligans: could've used more boobs, but still pretty damn good.

The Mist: yes, a movie about a low-level weather formation can be good...

ok, this movie isn't really about mist. that was a just a shot to my friend Bly, who, when i rented The Fog back in college, refused to be terrified of any "low-level weather formation." Bly was right, The Fog was a terrible fucking movie. and i mean terrible. i love bad movies, but The Fog had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. plus the dude from Smallville's in it, and he molests collies...

who can resist that face... or that ass...

The Mist, on the other hand, is actually a good movie. it's based off of a stephen king novella by the same name in the Skeleton Crew collection, and both mediums are definitely worth your time. in this story, king does what he's best at, taking a fairly creepy situation, throwing in a pinch of the supernatural, and using that as a basis for peering into the depths of humanity. that's what The Mist is really about: humanity. we get a bunch of different types of people stuck in close quarters with a REALLY shitty situation, and we see just who they are after you strip away all of society's pressures and instructions. king strips people down to their bare personalities, and this is more shocking than anything hidden in the mist. some people shine under pressure; some people freeze up; some people look to someone, anyone, to lead them; and some people just go batshit insane. it's this mix of people that makes this movie great.

oh, and frank darabont. thank god there is ONE guy out there who can make a good movie out of a stephen king story. darabont did Shawshank Redemption (EVERYONE loves this movie) and The Green Mile (also good). darabont also changed the ending to The Mist from what it is in the novel, and he would only make the movie if his ending stayed in. when he showed it to king, king loved it. that should give you a bit of a clue as to how awesome it is. and that's all i'll say about the ending... back to the rest of the movie...

what's the actual plot of this thing? long story short, a really bad storm hits a small town, and a bunch of the townsfolk go to the local safeway-type store to get supplies. then a dude comes running in screaming that something grabbed a guy in the mist, they close the doors, and this incredibly thick mist comes sweeping in. i live in san francisco, land of perpetual fog, and we ain't got nothin on this mist. it's like god decided to cheech and chong the place... so all of these people are trapped in the store, wondering what the hell's going on. is that guy nuts, should they leave, should they stay, what to do... what to do... well, i'm not going to tell you. you just need to see it for yourself, and take my word for it, you won't be disappointed...

on to the characters. thomas jane (of 2004 Punisher fame) is the main guy, and he does a good job of being reasonable under extreme pressure. plus he hits a giant flying lizard thing with a flaming mop, and how cool is that. a woman who looks like amy smart's older, less-attractive sister is one of the main female roles, and she does well enough looking like she's always on the verge of tears. ollie the bagboy is pretty sweet, mostly for the line "the human species is fundamentally insane." well-put, ollie. there is also a really cool old lady, the sherminator from American Pie fame (and i use that term loosely), and more decent supporting cast.

the best character in the movie, hands down, is marcia gay harden as mother carmody. she is scarier than anything else in the movie, and you're just hoping she dies the entire time. mother carmody is an uber-religious bag of crazy, and she thrives on the stress of the situation. the creatures in the mist are horrible, demonic, and creepy, but they don't hold a candle to this woman once she gets going. remember carrie's mom in Carrie? remember just how crazy she was when she tried to kill her daughter and her "dirty pillows" for going to the prom ("they're all gonna laugh at you!!!")? yeah, she ain't nothin compared to mother carmody. if ever there was a reason to hate religion, this bitch is it...

not pictured: sanity

as i said, this movie revolves around the interactions between people thrown together in an other-worldly situation, and the consequences of those interactions. and that bitch right up there is the cause of a whole mess of trouble. the part was written amazingly well, and harden does an insanely good job of making you hate her. i mean really, it gets to a point where you're thinking, "ok, it's either stay here with a woman who's nuttier than a payday bar, or brave the deadly, horrible, twisted creatures in the mist that will almost certainly kill me in a particularly gruesome and painful manner. just give me a broom handle with a knife duct-taped to it and let's do this shit. bring on the mist!"

"shit, forgot the knife..."

good job, frank darabont and company. thank you for renewing my hatred of evangelical religion. oh, and for renewing my fear of spiders. holy fuck were those things evil...

The Mist: most depressing/awesome ending ever. EVER.

Robin Hood - Men in Tights: mel brooks, please make movies again...

last night while procrastinating, i saw that Robin Hood: Men in Tights was on. this movie filled me with a profound sadness for today's youth. growing up, i had amazing movie spoofs at my disposal. here are a few of my favorites:

1. Airplane!: yes, it came out before i was born, but i watched it frequently growing up (and i still do). there are so many great bits in the movie that i cannot possibly list them all. just go here and read through these. i'm laughing just thinking about it. crap, i may have to go watch this movie right now...
2. Hot Shots and Hot Shots Part Deux: charlie sheen, you are forever awesome because of these movies. it's also an incredible shame that lloyd bridges is no longer with us.
3. The Naked Gun Series: leslie nielsen is my hero, and really, who doesn't secretly love OJ simpson (surviving family of nicole simpson and ron goldman excepted).
4. all past movies by mel brooks: blazing saddles and young frankenstein are two of the greatest movies ever made.
   

just look at the classics up there. i mean really, who doesn't laugh when charlie sheen and martin sheen pass each other in hot shots part deux and say "i loved you in wall street!" so by comparison, what do today's youth have? scary movie and its progeny. wow. i'll give you this, scary movie had it's moments. but then they went crazy. scary movie 2, 3, 4... date movie, epic movie, disaster movie, etc. i had a friend who had a burned copy of date movie that he gave to me. and i mean gave. this is a man who has, best guess, over 1000 movies, ranging from oscar winners to absolute trash, and he couldn't bear to keep a FREE PIRATED copy of this movie in his possession. i figured what the hell, took it and watched the first 10 minutes.

that movie went in the trash faster than sour milk. christ was it bad... is this what passes for comedy these days? who actually goes and sees these pieces of shit? for the actors that star in them, is it a choice between doing this or sucking cock for rent money? do the writers actually think the movies are funny, or do they just gladly cash their checks and laugh as they twist the proverbial knife in the spoof genre? i love that the movies actually advertise by saying "brought to you by two of the six guys who wrote scary movie." when your entire advertising scheme is that 66% of people who are responsible for the death knell of comedy don't want to be associated with your movie, you seriously need to reevaluate your life. ugh. now i'm angry...

kids, if you want to actually see good spoof movies, go see the stuff on the above list, and go rent Robin Hood: Men in Tights. how this movie is not in my collection is a glaring oversight on my part. self, i apologize. i will get it posthaste and rectify the situation...

so where to begin... cary elwes, of princess bride fame (awesome movie, and anyone who calls me gay for saying that obviously had no childhood), is spot on in this comedy. this is also davechappelle's first movie, and what a jump from the standup circuit to the screen. richard lewis = precursor to jon stewart (but edgier), and the guy who plays the sheriff really needs to be in more movies (his run in the 90s on cheers as kirstie alley's love interest was all i really know him from). amy yasbeck is hot as hell, and her accent is hilarious. the best acting performance, in my opinion, is the guy who plays blinkin. goddamn is he great. he steals the show as much as martyfeldman stole the show in young frankenstein. this movie is really an ensemble cast, though, and each actor carries the rest. it's a team effort, and it really pays off.

where this movie shines, though, is the writing. it's a spoof, but not a spoof for spoof's sake. it doesn't just blatantly make fun of robin hood movies (with the sole exception of the line "because unlike other robin hoods, I can speak with an english accent..."), it actually tells a story. it's the classic story of overcoming the sheriff and prince john, getting maid marian, etc, but it's fucking hilarious in the telling. there are jokes all over the place, ranging from subtle humor to some of the worst puns ever (e.g., the sign above the rabbi's circumcision parlor reading "special offer, now half off!"). but those puns make you laugh, because secretly, we all love puns for just how bad they really are. the movie has fat jokes, dick and fart jokes ("you changed your name to latrine?/yeah, it used to be "shithouse"), breaks through the 4th wall, and features one of the absolute best song and dance numbers ever ("we maaaay look like paaaaaaansies..."). honestly, what's not to love?


this movie shines because of the little jokes. mel brooks doesn't beat you over the head with them, instead letting you get the joke on your own. in order to illustrate the difference between this good comedic writing and the shitty present state of comedic writing, here is a scene from Men in Tights, followed by what it'd be like in one of the [insert adjective here] Movies:

Mel Brooks:

1. the scene where the new recruits are getting their woodsman outfits. joke: the men get their green tights from giant pantyhose eggs. why is it funny: we all remember the eggs that pantyhose came in in the 90s, and we all think it's kinda gay that people all wore tights back then. plus, why did pantyhose come in eggs? makes no sense. so where did people get those man-sized tights from back in the middle ages? man-sized eggs. also, during this, NO WORDS ARE SPOKEN EXPLAINING THE JOKE WITH THE EGGS! all they say are "get your bows, swords, pantyhose!"

[Shitty] Movie 7:

1. again, new recruits getting their woodsman outfits. man passing out pantyhose, who is wearing a fat suit for no reason other than the writers think that fat suits are funny: "here's your pantyhose, now watch as i crack this COMICALLY LARGE EGG to get them! oh my god, isn't that funny! this could only be funnier if i was one of the 86 out of work wayans brothers!" suddenly a bodily fluid enters the scene for no apparent reason...

which one do you think is better? if you think the latter is funnier, please do not breed.

Robin Hood: Men in Tights - thank you for making sure that judd apatow and co. do not monopolize comedy.

As Good As It Gets: remember when helen hunt was famous?

last night The Girlfriend and i sat down to dinner and a movie. i cooked dinner, which usually happens, and she got to pick the movie. whenever one of us picks a movie, the other invariably retains veto power (this is so i don't end up watching The Holiday seventeen times, and so she never has to sit through Midnight Meat Train). thankfully, i didn't have to exercise that power last night: she chose As Good As It Gets.

most of you have seen this movie, but i haven't written about it yet (the joys of a new blog), so here we go. first of all, this REALLY should have won best picture over Titanic. james cameron was sweet as hell in the 80s and early 90s (aliens, terminator, terminator 2, abyss, etc), but then he made the love-fest that was Titanic and ruined himself for the next 10 years. fuck you cameron, bring back corporal hicks and destroy some fucking robots. the only good things about Titanic are:

1. unexepected full frontal nudity from kate winslet. in a PG-13 movie, my 14 year old movie-going self completely did not expect this. this is something you could only have gotten away with during the Clinton administration. goddamn FCC...
2. when the ship goes down and that guy bounces off the propeller. the noise he makes is just classic...

yeah, that's it. the other 3 hours = crap. leo should've knocked that bitch off that table...

but i digress. back to As Good As It Gets. jack nicholson is just amazing in this movie. i'm not going to analyze the character other than to say that he seems to have no superego blocking his id. for those of you who don't know what that means, take a fucking introductory psychology class. anyway, he just says what he's really feeling no matter how much it may hurt someone, and 99% of the time what he says is awesome. my favorite line:
Woman: "how do you write women so well?"
Jack being awesome: "i think of a man, and take away reason and accountability."
i never get tired of seeing the look on that woman's face when he just completely crushes her dreams of a romantic novelist.

brilliant. it makes me hope that the people who write romance novels are actually grossly obese world of warcraft players living in their parents' basement. one can dream...

so yeah, jack is sweet. and greg kinnear is pretty damn good too. this guy is the quintessential supporting actor. i'm sure he's headlined movies before, but with the exception of Stuck Together with matt damon, i haven't seen any (that movie, btw, is actually funny, and has eva mendes, who is supremely bonable). greg plays a gay man pretty well (living in san francisco, i now feel like i am qualified to make that judgment), and he has a lot of pretty funny moments. mostly he serves as jack's cannon fodder, which works fine for me. the more funny lines that are possible because of him, the better. good job, greg kinnear.

this brings me to helen hunt. she used to have a career, right? she was in about 15 different movies in the late 90s. i really hope she invested that money, because she hasn't done shit since. can't say as this really bothers me, since she wasn't that great to begin with. that is a fivehead if i've ever seen one (one more than a forehead).

helen won an oscar for this role, and i can't exactly say i know why. The Girlfriend thinks it's for that scene where she cries about wanting to have a man in her life again. me, i think it's because the acadamy loves female characters who spout dialogue that looks good written down but doesn't exist because PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING TALK LIKE THAT!!! best example of this = Juno. most teenagers can't even string together enough grunts to communicate that they just shit their pants, and yet little ellen page sounds like jonah hill from superbad met nathaniel hawthorne. what the fuck...

back to helen hunt. they dress her as frumpily as humanly possible. good lord, they were just trying to make her ugly in this movie. you miss having a man in your life? don't dress like the house-marm from the Facts of Life. wear a push-up bra, put on some heels, put on a dress that doesn't go down to your ankles. seriously, was she amish in this movie? helen hunt is (was) actually a fairly attractive woman (see, e.g., What Women Want).

so we know it's possible. the one slight flash of attractiveness from helen in As Good As It Gets is when she confronts jack for being a nice guy (to which she responds that she'll never sleep with him ever, forever ending the debate of whether nice guys do in fact finish last). in this scene, she ran through the rain (couldn't wear a coat?), finally gets to his front door, and then just as he's about to answer, realizes her nips are showing through her shirt. i love gratuitous female boobage, and thank you hollywood for pandering to my adolescent needs.

seriously though, if you haven't seen this movie, go rent it. it's worth it for the comedy, and actually has a decent love story in it too (contrary to popular belief, i do enjoy love stories, just not ones that involve jude law). trust me, this movie won oscars for a reason...

unlike The English Patient.

oh, one more thing. speaking of actors who were in a bunch of stuff but now do nothing, this movie has cuba gooding jr in it. what happened to him? oh yeah, he made Chill Factor, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, and Radio. you never go full retard, cuba!


As Good As It Gets - jack nicholson's 48394234th oscar nomination, and 3rd win.

comments

just letting all of you know, feel free to make comments on this thing. i like hearing from you, and it makes it actually look like someone's reading this stuff...

Outpost: once again, foreign horror > american horror

last night at about 1am i decided to watch Outpost. i'd heard of it while searching through ray stevenson's stuff on imdb and figured what the hell. plus netflix had it on their little "watch now" option, so i figured what the hell. it stars ray stevenson (i've already said i'll watch anything the guy does), and once again i wasn't disappointed.

the movie revolves around a bunch of mercenaries escorting some scientist-type guy to some place in eastern europe. ray stevenson is the head merc, and he's pretty sweet. the way the film is shot is particularly cool; it's really bleak and washed out. pretty much what you'd figure eastern europe to look like. so the mercs go to what turns out to be an old nazi bunker, and horrory hyjinks ensue.

the gist of this movie is that undead unkillable nazis terrorize the mercs. sounds pretty cool, right? turns out, it is. most horror movies now seem to revolve around gore, which is all well and good as long as they don't take themselves too seriously. if the movies don't revolve around gore, they're undoubtedly some remade japanese horror movie involving technology coming back to bite us in the ass (one missed call, really?). so what makes Outpost cool is that there isn't much gore (though what there is is kinda cool), and there's no freaky asian chicks jumping out of tvs. instead, you've got a pretty basic premise (bunch of guys terrorized by ghosts/zombies) that works because of how it's shot. i'm not one for praising cinematography, but whoever did this one really hit the mark. the lighting is great, the cutting is great, and it all serves to really set a tone that freaks you out. the music helps out a lot too. put those three things together, and you've got a pretty freaky movie. it won't stick in your head forever or haunt your dreams, but if you watch it alone in the dark at 2am like i did, it'll creep you the fuck out. and that's really all you want out of a horror movie...

oh, one other thing. i like horror movies that don't end happily. now, most horror movies don't usually end in sunshine and kittens, but i want a little more than just the main character or major supporting character dying. i want that "ohhhhh shiiiit..." at the end of a horror movie, where you realize that everything has completely gone to shit. the Descent did this, the Mist did this (really really well, i might add), and Outpost does it as well. my one fault with the ending is that the director explained the "oh shit" moment a little too much. he could've stopped it about a minute earlier. see it, and you'll know what i mean.

ha, ok, no one MORE thing. i love last stands. there's just something so badass about someone resigned to their fate loading up all of their weapons and saying "you know what, if i'm goin out, i'm taking as many of you fuckers with me as possible." no whimpering, no trying to run when your leg is fucked to shit, just stopping, leaning against a door or wall, telling the last surviving dude to get the hell out of there, reloading your gun, and going hog wild on some zombies before they tear you to shreds. moments like that i movies make me smile every time. i like to think nobility like that exists in the real world. it's more than nobility, though. it's realism. it's knowing that you're fucked, accepting that you're fucked, and deciding not to take it lying down. man i love that...

so yeah, that's Outpost. such a better horror movie than anything made in america in the past 5 years. if you like the Descent, the Mist, Dog Soldiers, etc, then you'll like this one.

plus ray stevenson rocks the shit...


Outpost - proof that you don't need millions of special effects to make a good movie

Wall-E: i will never doubt pixar again

i saw wall-e twice in theaters. both times it was great. i rented it on blu-ray last week and finally watched it last night with The Girlfriend. first off, blu-ray could be the end of me. holy shit is that stuff amazing. it's like heroin for the eyes, without the crippling addiction. blu-ray exists for action movies and movies with sweet special effects. certain movies do not need to be on blu-ray format. for an idea of what does and does not need to be viewed on blu-ray, i've compiled a list:

Blu-Ray Acceptable:

1. the dark knight (this deserves special placement because it's just that badass)
   
2. any comic book/superhero movie
3. any michael bay/john woo movie
4. any movie where there are more than 5 CGI landscapes, characters, explosions, etc.
   
5. dvds of concert footage (is this out on blu-ray yet? if not, it needs to be.)
6. horror movies
   

Blu-Ray Unacceptable:

1. any romantic comedy
2. any movie starring meryl streep
3. any movie involving the holocaust (unless it also falls into one of acceptable categories)

Blu-Ray Toss-Up:

1. porn (i'm curious what HD porn looks like...)

as you can see, wall-e falls into the 4th "acceptable" category, and rightfully so. wall-e looked amazing on blu-ray. considering that 20 years ago CGI was laughable at best, it's downright scary just how good they've gotten. they still can't do humans for shit (see, e.g., the piece of trash known as beowulf), but in a few years they'll have it nailed. i could not believe how good wall-e looked. the attention to detail definitely paid off...

as for the movie itself, i'll never doubt pixar again. finding nemo was great, toy story was great, the incredibles was great... but could they really pull off a movie about a robot love story with very little dialogue? answer: fuck yes. watching that movie, you felt for the characters, even though they never really spoke. voice (or in this case, robot voice) inflection was all you really needed to convey emotion, and the geniuses at pixar did it again. being that this review is of a movie most of you have already seen, i won't spend too much more time extolling the virtues of this movie, so i'll just go to my favorite scenes.

1. when the massaging robot destroyed all of the guard robots, was panting, and then bashes the last twitching robot. classic.
2. anything involving the ship's captain, especially when he does the little eye-bulging look at the autopilot. such a simple thing, and yet, enough to make me crack up.
3. the ending credits. amazing song by peter gabriel, and the rebuilding of society from scratch as depicted by evolving artwork was genius. i think that one was lost on a lot of people, and that's a shame...

i can really watch wall-e over and over again (as can my 2 yr old nephew). the story never gets old, and that's the true mark of a good movie. i still laugh at the same jokes and gags as i did the first time i saw it. years from now, i'll probably still be laughing...

Wall-E - absolutely amazing

Love Actually: finally, a romantic movie that doesn't make me want to snipe people from a clocktower...

once The Girlfriend came over last night, we did what we usually do when neither of us feels like going out: watching a movie. for her, it's an excuse to curl up on the couch and have me rub her. for me, it's an excuse not to go to some shitty bar in san francisco, waste money on overpriced watered down drinks, realize that i hate 90% of the populace of this city, and go home bitter. win-win, really...

so we curled up, and since it's close to christmas, she wanted to watch a holiday movie. love actually is the only holiday movie i own, and it's the only one i can really stand. the christmas story has its moments, but ever since tbs started playing it for 24 hrs straight, i just can't take it anymore... sorry ralphie. i grabbed the movie, put it in, and proceeded to rub her back (easiest way to get a woman to fall asleep = backrubs... they're like cats).

a few notes up front:

1. i tend to like british comedy. i grew up watching "are you being served?" and monty python, so it's kindof ingrained. if you don't like british comedy, turn off larry the cable guy and grow a brain.
2. ensemble casts are awesome. people might not think this is an ensemble cast, but that's only because they don't realize that damn near everyone in that movie is relatively famous in england.
   
3. hugh grant is no longer gay. this movie and "about a boy" confirm it.
   

that being said, on with the review.

love actually is an awesome movie. for the ladies, they like it because it's got a bunch of great love stories with people doing things that only exist in fiction. hate to break it to you, ladies, but no man is ever going to come to your door with a stereo and cue cards telling you that he just wants to say he loves you and that he's fine with it. bullshit. first off, those kind of people sit in the dark listening to coldplay sobbing while masturbating to that wedding video she liked so much. and there's no fucking way that guy's fine with her marrying his best friend. he's going to resent the hell out of his best friend for marrying the girl, then do his damndest to sleep with her the second she shows a moment of drunken weakness. let's be real here... so yeah, the ladies love it because it has a lot of love stories, and american women inherently find english men more attractive than american men. it's ok, we know about it, and we feel the same way about some english women. it's the accent. provided it's the right one, of course (elizabeth hurley = awesome accent, eliza doolittle = horrible cockney penis-shriveling accent).

but love actually has some great parts for guys, too. what might those be? tits. that's right, gratuitous female nudity. unlike stingy horrible america, european countries seem to have no problem with the naked female form. in my book, that's just downright awesome. so for those guys who can think of nothing else good about this movie, you always have the fallback of boobs.

aside from the boobs, the movie actually has a really good story. stories, actually. it's got a lot of great comedic scenes, my favorite being when the little kid plays the drums at the end. i'm also a big fan of when hugh grant calls margret thatcher a saucy minx. there's a lot of subtle humor that you really only get if you get british humor. but even if you don't get all that, the story telling is good, the actors are fantastic, hugh grant's love interest is gorgeous (in my opinion), and you feel all warm and fuzzy after it. compared to other romantic comedies or other holiday movies, you could do a lot worse...

one final note: the music to this movie is amazing. the prime minister's love theme gives me goosebumps, and is on quite a few of my playlists. it's just inspiring...

Love Actually - downright entertaining

Punisher War Zone: gone with the wind it ain't...

(note, i hate capitalizing letters, so enough of that)

last night i went and saw punisher: war zone. being a comic book fan, i tend to enjoy these movies. comic books usually translate into movies well enough, though some comic books need to be kept in the basements of fanboys (who the hell wants to see an ant-man movie?). i've seen the previous two punisher movies. the one with dolph lundgren is pretty much incomprehensible, but then, a lot of 80s movies were. and it's dolph lundgren... other than rocky 4, what has he made that's any good ("if i can change... and you can change... everyone can change!!" <-- classic)? i really enjoyed the one with thomas jane, but it was a little too cartoony. plus i have problems believing john travolta as a villain. i like the guy, but come on, the dude from grease doesn't scare anyone. so in seeing the new punisher, i was really hoping for something decent...

now when i say decent, let's get a few things straight. i like comic book movies, but i'm also a realist. it's the punisher, for fuck's sake. he's a borderline psychopath who does nothing but kill bad guys. no putting them in jail, no tying them up and waiting for the cops to come, no pleading with them to change their evil ways. fuck that. the punisher is just going to come in guns a-blazing and waste some motherfuckers. and that's where his appeal lies. if we want to go see a boyscout, we see superman. if we want to see a brooding tortured soul, we go see batman (joel schumacher abortions excepted). if we want to go see the butchering of my childhood icon, we go see spider-man 3. but if we want to see some gangsters take a shotgun to the face with zero sympathy, we look to the punisher. that's all i really wanted from this movie. i wanted to see shit get wrecked. and i'm happy to say that my $10.50 was not wasted.

i know a lot of people are going to rip on this movie, saying that it had no plot, no character development, nothing but senseless gore and violence. all i have to say to that is they are 100% correct, and thank god for it...

ho... lee... shit... so many people died in this movie. i think they averaged one a minute, if not more. i might want to go back and try to keep a body count. and people didn't just die, people died in completely amazing ways. there were your normal shootings and stabbings, sure. that was in the first 2 minutes or so. after that, shit got real. for the sake of saving space and time, i'll run down my top 3 deaths of that movie (spoilers ahead, sorta):

1. while doing a completely pointless flip off of a roof onto another roof, a methed up bad guy takes a rocket to the chest... in slow motion. he explodes in a puff of smoke and a limb or two goes flying. it was completely unexpected, and i instantly burst into laughter. how could it get better?
2. the punisher throws a guy off of a roof onto wrought iron fence, impaling him. while the guy chokes on his own blood, the punisher jumps off said roof (we're talking 30 ft fall here) and kicks the guy squaw in the face, snapping his neck. again, instant laughter...
3. the cops disarm a bad guy, force him into a chair, and then tell him he's going away for a long time. the punisher re-enters the room holding a child (i think), points a shotgun at the guys face from about 4 feet away, and blows his brains to shit. at this point the entire theater was laughing...

so yeah, that's the gist of this movie. lot's of killing. there's some plot in there, but not too much. it's the same basic stuff about the punisher: man's family dies, man vows revenge, man kills a lot of bad guys. anyone who actually goes to see this movie already knows the plot, so thankfully the creative team didn't spend much time on it. it had just enough to carry you to the next awesome action scene. the acting was subpar at best. the guy who plays looney bin jim is the prick from the green mile. his new york accent actually caused physical pain. i was glad when he died just so i wouldn't have to hear him speak anymore. dominic west plays jigsaw, and he had the same problem with the accent. he dies in a particularly sweet way, so it all turns out roses. microchip (played by newman from seinfeld) is a decent supporting character, and he dies a valient death (as does his gangbanger helper). are we seeing a trend here?

a word about ray stevenson, though. i love this guy. i'll watch anything with him in it. he was badass as titus pollo in rome and as dagonet in king arthur. he does just what's needed in this movie as frank castle, but it would've been nice if he'd had more dialogue. oh, and the dockers-commercial-flash-backs were kindof annoying. no man who was in the special forces is going to look that gay...

so all in all, how does this movie measure up? it doesn't try to be more than it should, it takes itself just seriously enough to be plausible, and it provides 2 hrs of kickass action entertainment. i got exactly what i'd hoped for, exactly what i'd paid to see, and exactly what i expected. that doesn't often happen...

Punisher: War Zone = sweet

Poppin that cherry...

Since this is the first post, I figured I'd lay down exactly what this site is going to be all about. As I said, I really love movies. I own quite a few, see a shitload at the theaters (much to the chagrin of my wallet), and enjoy talking about them with friends. So I might as well talk about them with you random strangers. It gives me something to do instead of being a responsible productive citizen.

Here's a little info about me. I'm in my mid-20s and a law student at a reputable school in California. I was born and raised in Michigan, went to Michigan State University for 4 badass years, and hopefully will end up back in the mitten. No, I'm not from Detroit, because Detroit is a shithole. Really. I worked there last summer and it blew. They should level that fucking city...

Oh, yeah, this blog isn't going to be very child-friendly. If you want to read a movie review of the latest Hanna Montana movie or something, go somewhere else. I'm only going to review movies that I've seen, and I'm only going to see movies that I want to see. I'm going to try to be brutally honest in my reviews, which will inevitably result in me using language that might offend some people. So here's your warning: if you don't like that kindof thing, close this page now.

Ok, now that that's out of the way, here we go...