Guy Meets Girl: A Rant...

i just got done watching How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, a romantic comedy. why did i rent this movie, you ask? because it has simon pegg in it, and if you've read my blog before, you know that i'll watch anything that guy is in. as far as romantic comedies go, the movie was fine. it had some sappy crap for the ladies to get all choked up over, and it had some pretty funny moments to help the guys suffer through it. also, the movie has megan fox in it, and we all know that she may be one of the hottest women on earth. if you don't know who megan fox is, google her, or just watch Transformers. in this movie, though, she reaches a new level of hotness. behold...

she will be mine. oh yes, she will be mine...

the movie also has kirsten dunst. i used to have a giant crush on her due to such gems as Bring it On and the rain scene from Spider-Man. now, i'm pretty much over her due to her stinginess with onscreen nudity and her weird little teeth. she does fine in this movie, but is definitely second fiddle hotness wise to megan fox.

one more time, just for the hell of it...

if you want to see this movie, go ahead. there are worse ways to spend an afternoon with a significant other, and you'll definitely crack up at the stripper scene. yes, that's right, there's a stripper scene that had me laughing for a few minutes. simon pegg must've thrown that one in to keep people interested. there's also a sweet scene involving the death-by-crushing of a chihuaha (the steve buscemi of the animal kingdom), and if you like british humor, you'll like the rest of the comedy. the movie is pretty standard though, and definitely nothing groundbreaking. the reason i write about it, then, is to address a serious problem in hollywood's portrayal of relationships. how many times have you seen this scenario unfold in a movie?

Act One:
guy meets girl. they clash at first, but eventually start becoming friends/coworkers/zombie-hunters (only in my dreams), and soon start to realize that, shockingly enough, they have a lot in common. her favorite movie is some piece of black and white trash from the 30's that people only say they like to sound intelligent; he just happens to find the soundtrack to the movie at a used record store on vinyl, and he gives it to her as a present "just because." things look good at this point...


Act Two:
guy is about to make a move on girl, because he realizes that they should be together and make lots of babies. just as guy is about to proclaim his love for girl, girl breaks the news that she's getting back together with her boyfriend. enter boyfriend, who is inherently the douchiest motherfucker known to man, usually wearing something straight out of GQ. it is a scientific fact that this fucker will cheat on the girl, talk down to her, and generally treat her like shit. for some reason, girl puts up with this and goes back with guy because apparently deep down, boyfriend is a really sweet guy (ie, he's rich, attractive, and a nice status symbol for the girl because she is inherently a dirty dirty tramp). guy cannot proclaim his love for girl because boyfriend has conveniently (for the plot, not for guy) stepped in just before guy makes it awkward for everyone. guy retreats to his sanctuary, realizes that he needs to move on with his life, and decides to try to put his unmatched love behind him...


Act Three:
guy becomes successful. he gets a big break in his job in which he was previously struggling, he starts making a bunch of friends in high places, he rakes in all sorts of sweet poon. things are looking up for guy. he's living the fucking high life, and girl is stuck with the douchebag boyfriend who she shouldn't have been with in the first place if she wasn't a complete fucking cunt moron. douchebag boyfriend does something to fuck up the relationship, usually involving cheating on the girl or calling her life's dream retarded. girl hates life. all is well in the universe...


Act Four:
girl decides to "drop in" on guy to see how he's doing, catch up, seek out that long lost love that she fucking well knew was there but never did a goddamn thing about because she was too fucking stupid to see what was right in front of her cunt-tastic eyes. girl inevitably catches guy being awesome, ie, immediately pre- or post-coitus, usually with some tramp that is way hotter than girl anyway. girl makes guy feel guilty in that subtle feminine way: "oh, you're busy, that's... cool... i'll see you later... i guess... (grimace/tears in eyes/anger)" guy feels like shit...


Act Five:
guy realizes that his awesome life is not so awesome because he was missing girl all along, and was trying to fill the void left by her absence with money, clubbing, sex with models, drugs, alcohol, and general merriment with his coolest guy friends. guy goes back to girl, tells her he loves her all along and was wrong to ever let her get out of his sight. girl feigns ignorance and plays a little hard to get, but the two quickly work it out, usually with the guy admitting that his life of awesomeness was a stupid decision. guy and girl kiss, and the two end up happily ever after. yay...


fuck you hollywood. seriously. fuck you right in your giant bleeding vagina. any man who fucking writes scripts like this deserves to have his cock and balls removed and crushed before his eyes. i mean come on, are your harpy wives hanging over you day and night as you write the script, or are you just placating the masses of single 20-somethings that want to have their own spineless jellyfish of a man that will chase them around and do everything for them? whichever one's the case, check your artistic talent at the door, you are officially a fucking hack. you are no better than the writers who say "there's trouble in the middle east right now, let's make a taut political thriller that involves a bunch of arabs planning to blow shit up." how come it's always the guy that has to feel guilty? how come it's always his fault that he wasn't available when the girl comes knocking on his door, months after she made it clear that he has no chance in hell? what the fuck was he supposed to do, sit there and wait for her while she got her jollies off with the douchebag boyfriend? fuck no, he's gonna go out there and get some ass. it's her own damn fault if she didn't take the opportunity when it was staring her in the face...

once, just once, i'd like to see a bit of cynicism in the movies. and by cynicism i mean realism. i'm sure every person out there has had that unrequited love, that one crush that they fell for so hard and got completely and utterly burned by. every girl has had the guy who they would die for, yet doesn't even know the girl exists. every guy has listened to a girl bitch about her boyfriend and said to himself (and often her) "if you were with me, i'd treat you like a queen" only to have her say that she loves you like a brother/it would ruin the friendship. and you know what, that's fine. people need that heartbreak to keep them grounded. sure, it sucks balls, but it makes you realize that significant others are not some god/goddess to be put on a pedestal. they're a human being, and they have their faults. we need those experiences to teach us how to move on in life, how to put bad times behind us so that we can keep our sanity.

so hollywood, just once, have the guy actually move on. have him enjoy his newfound life. have him realize that he regretted not getting with the girl, but that he's doing just fine now. have him not leave his amazing success in order to prostrate himself before the girl that was A) too blind to realize the good thing staring her in the face, and B) too stupid to realize that the guy she was with before was a giant fucking tool who would fuck her over. when she shows up just as he's running around in a robe chasing a half-naked girl around his apartment, have him say "hey, i'm busy, show back up in 30, no, make it 45 minutes..."

or better yet, have the guy take a little joy in realizing that the ball is in his court now. have him rub her nose in it. when she shows up at his apartment, have him tell her that she had her chance but went with captain dickhole, so now she has to live with her decision. slam door, roll credits. if that seems like too quick of an ending, have him spitefuck her. that's right, i said it. have the guy get back with the girl, rail the everloving shit out of her, and then tell her that's what she's been missing, and she's never going to get it again. let's have some sweet sweet sexual revenge. or maybe he can use his newfound position of relationship power to get her to do all sorts of stuff, like clean his apartment, buy him things, or anal. the possibilities are endless, really...

yes, all of that may sound pretty misogynistic, but really, what do you expect? life doesn't give you many second chances. that girl you desperately loved in high school but never got with? yeah, you're never going to get that chance again. that girl in college that you were best friends with but fucked your roommate? yeah, she's gone too. odds are, you're better off anyway. i know you've all checked out your past crushes online to see what's going on in their lives. facebook is great for showing us just how shitty people's lives have turned out, and it's fucking sweet. there's nothing like seeing the girl that was too good for you in high school end up marrying some balding redneck, popping out a few half-retarded children, and winding up stuck in some dead-end job. if you don't get a secret sense of joy from that, you're a fucking liar. so instead of having people spend those miracle second chances making a sweet lasting relationship with the girl, let's have the people realistically get that shit out of their system. it should go a little something like this:

girl: oh my god, it's been so long since i've seen you! you look great! what have you been up to?
guy: well, i moved away, went to college for 4 amazing years, got a sweet job, have a bunch of awesome friends, and generally just have the time of my life. you?
girl: that's so cool. i married my boyfriend from high school, you remember him, right? we have a kid now. he has special needs, but that's ok... i'm ok with it... *sniffle*
guy: aww, that's gotta be tough...
girl: yeah... you know, i always kinda had a thing for you in school...
guy: really? cause i asked you out like 168 times, and you always told me we were just friends.
girl: well, i was young then, but i know better now.
-cut to an hour later after they've had rough sex-
girl: that was amazing...
guy: i've had better. there's cab fare on the dresser. have fun with your retarded kid...
-guy leaves, checking one major regret off of his list. girl cries, realizing the life she could've had if she hadn't been a complete fucking moron-

i'd definitely pay $10 to see that scene in a movie. girls in the audience would boo, men everywhere would stand up and cheer. all would be right in the universe...

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: perpetuating the stereotype that it's somehow always the guy's fault. at least the stripper scene was funny...

As Good As It Gets: remember when helen hunt was famous?

last night The Girlfriend and i sat down to dinner and a movie. i cooked dinner, which usually happens, and she got to pick the movie. whenever one of us picks a movie, the other invariably retains veto power (this is so i don't end up watching The Holiday seventeen times, and so she never has to sit through Midnight Meat Train). thankfully, i didn't have to exercise that power last night: she chose As Good As It Gets.

most of you have seen this movie, but i haven't written about it yet (the joys of a new blog), so here we go. first of all, this REALLY should have won best picture over Titanic. james cameron was sweet as hell in the 80s and early 90s (aliens, terminator, terminator 2, abyss, etc), but then he made the love-fest that was Titanic and ruined himself for the next 10 years. fuck you cameron, bring back corporal hicks and destroy some fucking robots. the only good things about Titanic are:

1. unexepected full frontal nudity from kate winslet. in a PG-13 movie, my 14 year old movie-going self completely did not expect this. this is something you could only have gotten away with during the Clinton administration. goddamn FCC...
2. when the ship goes down and that guy bounces off the propeller. the noise he makes is just classic...

yeah, that's it. the other 3 hours = crap. leo should've knocked that bitch off that table...

but i digress. back to As Good As It Gets. jack nicholson is just amazing in this movie. i'm not going to analyze the character other than to say that he seems to have no superego blocking his id. for those of you who don't know what that means, take a fucking introductory psychology class. anyway, he just says what he's really feeling no matter how much it may hurt someone, and 99% of the time what he says is awesome. my favorite line:
Woman: "how do you write women so well?"
Jack being awesome: "i think of a man, and take away reason and accountability."
i never get tired of seeing the look on that woman's face when he just completely crushes her dreams of a romantic novelist.

brilliant. it makes me hope that the people who write romance novels are actually grossly obese world of warcraft players living in their parents' basement. one can dream...

so yeah, jack is sweet. and greg kinnear is pretty damn good too. this guy is the quintessential supporting actor. i'm sure he's headlined movies before, but with the exception of Stuck Together with matt damon, i haven't seen any (that movie, btw, is actually funny, and has eva mendes, who is supremely bonable). greg plays a gay man pretty well (living in san francisco, i now feel like i am qualified to make that judgment), and he has a lot of pretty funny moments. mostly he serves as jack's cannon fodder, which works fine for me. the more funny lines that are possible because of him, the better. good job, greg kinnear.

this brings me to helen hunt. she used to have a career, right? she was in about 15 different movies in the late 90s. i really hope she invested that money, because she hasn't done shit since. can't say as this really bothers me, since she wasn't that great to begin with. that is a fivehead if i've ever seen one (one more than a forehead).

helen won an oscar for this role, and i can't exactly say i know why. The Girlfriend thinks it's for that scene where she cries about wanting to have a man in her life again. me, i think it's because the acadamy loves female characters who spout dialogue that looks good written down but doesn't exist because PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING TALK LIKE THAT!!! best example of this = Juno. most teenagers can't even string together enough grunts to communicate that they just shit their pants, and yet little ellen page sounds like jonah hill from superbad met nathaniel hawthorne. what the fuck...

back to helen hunt. they dress her as frumpily as humanly possible. good lord, they were just trying to make her ugly in this movie. you miss having a man in your life? don't dress like the house-marm from the Facts of Life. wear a push-up bra, put on some heels, put on a dress that doesn't go down to your ankles. seriously, was she amish in this movie? helen hunt is (was) actually a fairly attractive woman (see, e.g., What Women Want).

so we know it's possible. the one slight flash of attractiveness from helen in As Good As It Gets is when she confronts jack for being a nice guy (to which she responds that she'll never sleep with him ever, forever ending the debate of whether nice guys do in fact finish last). in this scene, she ran through the rain (couldn't wear a coat?), finally gets to his front door, and then just as he's about to answer, realizes her nips are showing through her shirt. i love gratuitous female boobage, and thank you hollywood for pandering to my adolescent needs.

seriously though, if you haven't seen this movie, go rent it. it's worth it for the comedy, and actually has a decent love story in it too (contrary to popular belief, i do enjoy love stories, just not ones that involve jude law). trust me, this movie won oscars for a reason...

unlike The English Patient.

oh, one more thing. speaking of actors who were in a bunch of stuff but now do nothing, this movie has cuba gooding jr in it. what happened to him? oh yeah, he made Chill Factor, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, and Radio. you never go full retard, cuba!


As Good As It Gets - jack nicholson's 48394234th oscar nomination, and 3rd win.

Love Actually: finally, a romantic movie that doesn't make me want to snipe people from a clocktower...

once The Girlfriend came over last night, we did what we usually do when neither of us feels like going out: watching a movie. for her, it's an excuse to curl up on the couch and have me rub her. for me, it's an excuse not to go to some shitty bar in san francisco, waste money on overpriced watered down drinks, realize that i hate 90% of the populace of this city, and go home bitter. win-win, really...

so we curled up, and since it's close to christmas, she wanted to watch a holiday movie. love actually is the only holiday movie i own, and it's the only one i can really stand. the christmas story has its moments, but ever since tbs started playing it for 24 hrs straight, i just can't take it anymore... sorry ralphie. i grabbed the movie, put it in, and proceeded to rub her back (easiest way to get a woman to fall asleep = backrubs... they're like cats).

a few notes up front:

1. i tend to like british comedy. i grew up watching "are you being served?" and monty python, so it's kindof ingrained. if you don't like british comedy, turn off larry the cable guy and grow a brain.
2. ensemble casts are awesome. people might not think this is an ensemble cast, but that's only because they don't realize that damn near everyone in that movie is relatively famous in england.
   
3. hugh grant is no longer gay. this movie and "about a boy" confirm it.
   

that being said, on with the review.

love actually is an awesome movie. for the ladies, they like it because it's got a bunch of great love stories with people doing things that only exist in fiction. hate to break it to you, ladies, but no man is ever going to come to your door with a stereo and cue cards telling you that he just wants to say he loves you and that he's fine with it. bullshit. first off, those kind of people sit in the dark listening to coldplay sobbing while masturbating to that wedding video she liked so much. and there's no fucking way that guy's fine with her marrying his best friend. he's going to resent the hell out of his best friend for marrying the girl, then do his damndest to sleep with her the second she shows a moment of drunken weakness. let's be real here... so yeah, the ladies love it because it has a lot of love stories, and american women inherently find english men more attractive than american men. it's ok, we know about it, and we feel the same way about some english women. it's the accent. provided it's the right one, of course (elizabeth hurley = awesome accent, eliza doolittle = horrible cockney penis-shriveling accent).

but love actually has some great parts for guys, too. what might those be? tits. that's right, gratuitous female nudity. unlike stingy horrible america, european countries seem to have no problem with the naked female form. in my book, that's just downright awesome. so for those guys who can think of nothing else good about this movie, you always have the fallback of boobs.

aside from the boobs, the movie actually has a really good story. stories, actually. it's got a lot of great comedic scenes, my favorite being when the little kid plays the drums at the end. i'm also a big fan of when hugh grant calls margret thatcher a saucy minx. there's a lot of subtle humor that you really only get if you get british humor. but even if you don't get all that, the story telling is good, the actors are fantastic, hugh grant's love interest is gorgeous (in my opinion), and you feel all warm and fuzzy after it. compared to other romantic comedies or other holiday movies, you could do a lot worse...

one final note: the music to this movie is amazing. the prime minister's love theme gives me goosebumps, and is on quite a few of my playlists. it's just inspiring...

Love Actually - downright entertaining