Guy Meets Girl: A Rant...

i just got done watching How to Lose Friends and Alienate People, a romantic comedy. why did i rent this movie, you ask? because it has simon pegg in it, and if you've read my blog before, you know that i'll watch anything that guy is in. as far as romantic comedies go, the movie was fine. it had some sappy crap for the ladies to get all choked up over, and it had some pretty funny moments to help the guys suffer through it. also, the movie has megan fox in it, and we all know that she may be one of the hottest women on earth. if you don't know who megan fox is, google her, or just watch Transformers. in this movie, though, she reaches a new level of hotness. behold...

she will be mine. oh yes, she will be mine...

the movie also has kirsten dunst. i used to have a giant crush on her due to such gems as Bring it On and the rain scene from Spider-Man. now, i'm pretty much over her due to her stinginess with onscreen nudity and her weird little teeth. she does fine in this movie, but is definitely second fiddle hotness wise to megan fox.

one more time, just for the hell of it...

if you want to see this movie, go ahead. there are worse ways to spend an afternoon with a significant other, and you'll definitely crack up at the stripper scene. yes, that's right, there's a stripper scene that had me laughing for a few minutes. simon pegg must've thrown that one in to keep people interested. there's also a sweet scene involving the death-by-crushing of a chihuaha (the steve buscemi of the animal kingdom), and if you like british humor, you'll like the rest of the comedy. the movie is pretty standard though, and definitely nothing groundbreaking. the reason i write about it, then, is to address a serious problem in hollywood's portrayal of relationships. how many times have you seen this scenario unfold in a movie?

Act One:
guy meets girl. they clash at first, but eventually start becoming friends/coworkers/zombie-hunters (only in my dreams), and soon start to realize that, shockingly enough, they have a lot in common. her favorite movie is some piece of black and white trash from the 30's that people only say they like to sound intelligent; he just happens to find the soundtrack to the movie at a used record store on vinyl, and he gives it to her as a present "just because." things look good at this point...


Act Two:
guy is about to make a move on girl, because he realizes that they should be together and make lots of babies. just as guy is about to proclaim his love for girl, girl breaks the news that she's getting back together with her boyfriend. enter boyfriend, who is inherently the douchiest motherfucker known to man, usually wearing something straight out of GQ. it is a scientific fact that this fucker will cheat on the girl, talk down to her, and generally treat her like shit. for some reason, girl puts up with this and goes back with guy because apparently deep down, boyfriend is a really sweet guy (ie, he's rich, attractive, and a nice status symbol for the girl because she is inherently a dirty dirty tramp). guy cannot proclaim his love for girl because boyfriend has conveniently (for the plot, not for guy) stepped in just before guy makes it awkward for everyone. guy retreats to his sanctuary, realizes that he needs to move on with his life, and decides to try to put his unmatched love behind him...


Act Three:
guy becomes successful. he gets a big break in his job in which he was previously struggling, he starts making a bunch of friends in high places, he rakes in all sorts of sweet poon. things are looking up for guy. he's living the fucking high life, and girl is stuck with the douchebag boyfriend who she shouldn't have been with in the first place if she wasn't a complete fucking cunt moron. douchebag boyfriend does something to fuck up the relationship, usually involving cheating on the girl or calling her life's dream retarded. girl hates life. all is well in the universe...


Act Four:
girl decides to "drop in" on guy to see how he's doing, catch up, seek out that long lost love that she fucking well knew was there but never did a goddamn thing about because she was too fucking stupid to see what was right in front of her cunt-tastic eyes. girl inevitably catches guy being awesome, ie, immediately pre- or post-coitus, usually with some tramp that is way hotter than girl anyway. girl makes guy feel guilty in that subtle feminine way: "oh, you're busy, that's... cool... i'll see you later... i guess... (grimace/tears in eyes/anger)" guy feels like shit...


Act Five:
guy realizes that his awesome life is not so awesome because he was missing girl all along, and was trying to fill the void left by her absence with money, clubbing, sex with models, drugs, alcohol, and general merriment with his coolest guy friends. guy goes back to girl, tells her he loves her all along and was wrong to ever let her get out of his sight. girl feigns ignorance and plays a little hard to get, but the two quickly work it out, usually with the guy admitting that his life of awesomeness was a stupid decision. guy and girl kiss, and the two end up happily ever after. yay...


fuck you hollywood. seriously. fuck you right in your giant bleeding vagina. any man who fucking writes scripts like this deserves to have his cock and balls removed and crushed before his eyes. i mean come on, are your harpy wives hanging over you day and night as you write the script, or are you just placating the masses of single 20-somethings that want to have their own spineless jellyfish of a man that will chase them around and do everything for them? whichever one's the case, check your artistic talent at the door, you are officially a fucking hack. you are no better than the writers who say "there's trouble in the middle east right now, let's make a taut political thriller that involves a bunch of arabs planning to blow shit up." how come it's always the guy that has to feel guilty? how come it's always his fault that he wasn't available when the girl comes knocking on his door, months after she made it clear that he has no chance in hell? what the fuck was he supposed to do, sit there and wait for her while she got her jollies off with the douchebag boyfriend? fuck no, he's gonna go out there and get some ass. it's her own damn fault if she didn't take the opportunity when it was staring her in the face...

once, just once, i'd like to see a bit of cynicism in the movies. and by cynicism i mean realism. i'm sure every person out there has had that unrequited love, that one crush that they fell for so hard and got completely and utterly burned by. every girl has had the guy who they would die for, yet doesn't even know the girl exists. every guy has listened to a girl bitch about her boyfriend and said to himself (and often her) "if you were with me, i'd treat you like a queen" only to have her say that she loves you like a brother/it would ruin the friendship. and you know what, that's fine. people need that heartbreak to keep them grounded. sure, it sucks balls, but it makes you realize that significant others are not some god/goddess to be put on a pedestal. they're a human being, and they have their faults. we need those experiences to teach us how to move on in life, how to put bad times behind us so that we can keep our sanity.

so hollywood, just once, have the guy actually move on. have him enjoy his newfound life. have him realize that he regretted not getting with the girl, but that he's doing just fine now. have him not leave his amazing success in order to prostrate himself before the girl that was A) too blind to realize the good thing staring her in the face, and B) too stupid to realize that the guy she was with before was a giant fucking tool who would fuck her over. when she shows up just as he's running around in a robe chasing a half-naked girl around his apartment, have him say "hey, i'm busy, show back up in 30, no, make it 45 minutes..."

or better yet, have the guy take a little joy in realizing that the ball is in his court now. have him rub her nose in it. when she shows up at his apartment, have him tell her that she had her chance but went with captain dickhole, so now she has to live with her decision. slam door, roll credits. if that seems like too quick of an ending, have him spitefuck her. that's right, i said it. have the guy get back with the girl, rail the everloving shit out of her, and then tell her that's what she's been missing, and she's never going to get it again. let's have some sweet sweet sexual revenge. or maybe he can use his newfound position of relationship power to get her to do all sorts of stuff, like clean his apartment, buy him things, or anal. the possibilities are endless, really...

yes, all of that may sound pretty misogynistic, but really, what do you expect? life doesn't give you many second chances. that girl you desperately loved in high school but never got with? yeah, you're never going to get that chance again. that girl in college that you were best friends with but fucked your roommate? yeah, she's gone too. odds are, you're better off anyway. i know you've all checked out your past crushes online to see what's going on in their lives. facebook is great for showing us just how shitty people's lives have turned out, and it's fucking sweet. there's nothing like seeing the girl that was too good for you in high school end up marrying some balding redneck, popping out a few half-retarded children, and winding up stuck in some dead-end job. if you don't get a secret sense of joy from that, you're a fucking liar. so instead of having people spend those miracle second chances making a sweet lasting relationship with the girl, let's have the people realistically get that shit out of their system. it should go a little something like this:

girl: oh my god, it's been so long since i've seen you! you look great! what have you been up to?
guy: well, i moved away, went to college for 4 amazing years, got a sweet job, have a bunch of awesome friends, and generally just have the time of my life. you?
girl: that's so cool. i married my boyfriend from high school, you remember him, right? we have a kid now. he has special needs, but that's ok... i'm ok with it... *sniffle*
guy: aww, that's gotta be tough...
girl: yeah... you know, i always kinda had a thing for you in school...
guy: really? cause i asked you out like 168 times, and you always told me we were just friends.
girl: well, i was young then, but i know better now.
-cut to an hour later after they've had rough sex-
girl: that was amazing...
guy: i've had better. there's cab fare on the dresser. have fun with your retarded kid...
-guy leaves, checking one major regret off of his list. girl cries, realizing the life she could've had if she hadn't been a complete fucking moron-

i'd definitely pay $10 to see that scene in a movie. girls in the audience would boo, men everywhere would stand up and cheer. all would be right in the universe...

How to Lose Friends and Alienate People: perpetuating the stereotype that it's somehow always the guy's fault. at least the stripper scene was funny...

Last House On The Left: the horror-movie-remake trend continues...

a couple of days ago, The Girlfriend and i went to see Last House On The Left (LHOTL). this movie is a remake of the movie by the same name that came out in 1972. the original LHOTL was wes craven's first film. you might remember wes craven from such films as Nightmare on Elm Street 1 - 1723893420, and Scream (most notable for Rose McGowan's awesome nipple shot).

so glorious. they're just staring at you...

while those movies are good in their own right (Scream was good for pointing out all the problems with the slasher films of the 70s.... heh, pointing... nipples.... awesome...), the original LHOTL stands out as something entirely different. however, different isn't always good. people fear change for a reason. it's why crystal pepsi never took off. LHOTL is different because it didn't just show some cute young girls using drugs and then getting murdered by some soulless killer. nope, the original LHOTL had to push it a but further. those bitches were getting raped...

a lot.

like three times.

each.

and then once where they forced the one girl to do the other girl.

had this movie premiered on cinemax, it would've been that cool "oh no, i don't want you to touch me, oh fuck it let's do this, give it to me" scene. here, it was pretty much just your standard rape. not exactly what i want to curl up on the couch and watch on a random weeknight. wes craven wasn't done there, though. he had to take it even FURTHER...

nowadays when there's a dramatic or torturous scene in a movie, you get some dramatic music to go with it. something to make you tug at those emotions that aren't triggered by sight, but rather by sound. you'd get some screeching string music, some fast paced drums, etc. in the original LHOTL, however, we got something entirely different. let me set the scene for you. the girls are naked, bruised, beaten, and bleeding. they'd just been raped once or twice at the house, thrown in the trunk of a car, and driven down a country road into the woods. there, they're raped again. and during all of this, what music should be playing? something that sounded like james motherfucking taylor. that's right. picture this guy singing sweet soft lullabies while a girl is getting drilled against her will.

Buzz: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time
for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a
potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll
understand.
Taylor: Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now
here's the deal: I'm going to play, and you're going to
float there and like it.

on top of that, the movie also had a nice section where one of the girls briefly escapes. as she's running for her life, what kind of music should be playing in the background? again, you'd expect some kind of heartpounding beat to convey a sense of imminent danger lest she fail. not in wes craven's fucked up world, no sir. she's gonna be runnin to bluegrass. seriously. i think there was a banjo and a jug band in there. i half expected the duke brothers to leap over her in the general lee, boss hog hot on their trail. you just cannot take a movie seriously with that kind of shit going on. i'm sitting here watching this thing and laughing my ass off because it's so ridiculous, then feeling like shit because i'm laughing at a girl running for her life. sigh...

ok, that little rant aside, here's what the movie is actually about. these two girls go into the city, they get raped by some escaped convicts, the convicts take them out in the woods, rape them again, then make them rape each other for good measure, then kill them both. one of the convicts is stupid enough to take a pendant from one of the girls. the convicts' car happens to break down somewhere on a back road (scene for rapes 2 and 3, as well as the killings), so the convicts go to a house nearby. turns out it's the house of the chick they killed, the one they took the pendant from. the girl's parents take them in and make them comfortable, saying they can try the tow truck in the morning or something. the girl's mother notices the pendant, realizes that these fuckers killed her daughter, and the father and mother exact revenge. all in all, not too complicated.

the remake follows that plot pretty closely, so no real news there. there's still a rape, but this time only one, and the music is fitting for that kind of a scene. the rape scene definitely goes on a little longer than it needed to, but i guess that might've been the point. the director probably wanted to make it as uncomfortable as possible, and he pretty much succeeded. the exception this time is that the daughter lives and manages to crawl back to her parents half alive. she's a trooper.

what i was really looking for in this film, though, is some sweet-ass revenge by the parents. i hate it when people puss out on revenge stories. there's nothing worse than when someone works the entire movie to get revenge on someone that fucked them over, only to bitch out at the last minute and say something like "i'll let you live, so that you can live knowing that i got the better of you." fuck no, you goddamn moron! the dude already fucked you over once, why are you giving him the chance to do it again? it's not like he's suddenly going to say "oh, wow, i guess i shouldn't have tried to have you arrested, killed, and then impregnated your wife." i realize that they want to make the protagonist noble and shit, but come one. i also hate how hollywood gets around that base human desire to smite your enemies by having the good guy win, show mercy, then have the bad guy immediately turn on the good guy so the good guy has to kill the bad guy in self defense, saying, "oh, no, i wish i hadn't had to kill him." fucking. pussy. just get it over with the first time...

whew. sorry. anyway, thats what i wanted to see from the new LHOTL. the old one did a decent job of that. the mom took care of one of the convicts by seducing him, tying his hands behind his back as foreplay, and then biting his penis off. yep, you heard that right. she shook it like a damn dog. disturbing, yet hilarious. the dad also took down the main guy with a chainsaw in the end. chainsaws are excellent horror movie weapons because of the splatter and sound, but they're incredibly impractical. those fuckers aren't exactly wieldy, and you don't want to be an idiot when you use one...

... like this guy.

i'm happy to say, i wasn't disappointed by the new LHOTL. once they finally got to the killins, the parents did a decent job. the first guy in the old movie was the one to lose his wang to the sharp canines of a middle aged housewife. the first guy in the new movie doesn't meet a much better fate. he had already gotten his nose broken earlier in the movie, and it had gotten stitched with no anaesthetic. then he gets a wine bottle broke over his head. then he gets stabbed in the chest. while still fighting back, he wrestles with the dad for a bit until the dad pinches his still-broken nose. then the parents push him over to the sink full of water and try to drown him. when that doesn't seem to be working, they shove his hand into the garbage disposal and turn it on...

a quick side note at this point. i love gratuitous violence. i really do. it's awesome. this movie so far didn't have much crazy violence, but the hand in the garbage disposal tipped it over the edge. this scene went on for a solid 2 minutes. 2 minutes of crunching grinding noise (kudos to the sound department) and screaming. at first i was just like "oh fuck, sucks to be him..." after about the minute 30 mark, though, i couldn't stop laughing. it just went on for so damn long that it was comical. i'm sure i got some weird looks for laughing like a maniac as this guy is getting his hand ground to pieces, but goddamn was it funny. eventually, the parents realize he's not gonna shuffle off his mortal coil, so they pull him out of the sink, and the dad puts a claw hammer into his skull. for the record, this guy didn't even do any raping. he was just an accomplice, and he definitely had the worst of the deaths. talk about choosing the wrong fuckin friends...

once the parents got a taste of sweet sweet revenge/justice, they decided to go to town on the other two convicts. they have plenty of time, as the convicts are sleeping peacefully in the guest house, having heard nothing of their friend/brother getting his ass WHOOPED by some upper-middle class white people. so with all this time, how do these parents decide to arm themselves? with a goddamn butcher knife and a fireplace poker.

what the hell is it with the fireplace poker as a weapon? will someone please explain this to me? yes, it's metal, and yes, it kinda has a hook thingy with a point on one end, but come on. that hook would only stick into someone if you hit them just right, and the point on the end isn't even sharp. the thing also barely has any reach. i could go around my house right now and find something better to defend myself/kill someone with. duct tape a knife to a broom handle and you've got yourself a spear (see the Mist movie review). make some molotov cocktails. put some nails into a baseball bat. something, anything, but the goddamn fireplace poker...

anyway, the parents go after the other two convicts, and they seem to take them out without any of the flair of the first death. the parents steal the main bad guy's gun from the room where the two convicts are sleeping, and before the guy can get a good shot off, they wake up. the one female convict puts up a fight (topless) and eventually gets shot in the eye (still topless). nothin like some gratuitous nudity 30 minutes after a penis-shrinking rape scene. the main bad guy evades the parents by leaping through a window, then plays a little cat and mouse shit, and eventually just gets beat down with a fire extinguisher. the dad checks his pulse, and the fight is over. the parents take off across the lake they live on with their daughter to get her medical attention, and all seems hunky dorey.

at this point, though, i was a little pissed. the first guy, who didn't even really rape or kill anyone, gets the everloving shit kicked out of him and dies a horrible horrible death, but the dude who actually did all the horrible things just takes a fire extinguisher to the face? what the fuck kindof justice is that? hogtie that motherfucker and put his balls over a small-flamed candle; smear his wang with sugar and pour a bunch of ants on there; cram aluminum foil into his mouth and make him chew; just do something...

i was all set to leave the theater pissed. so much for sweet sweet revenge. oh, wait, they're not rolling the credits. oh, wait, the main bad guy is still alive. why is there a knife cutting into his skin? oh yeah, the dad was a doctor, wasn't he....

oh yes, the dad goes back to the house after getting his daughter to safety, and takes care of motherfucking business. he paralyzes the main bad guy, puts his head in a microwave, and turns it on. if you can't guess what happens, it goes a little something like this...

this is also what happens when normal people try to comprehend scientology...

wow. way to fulfill my wishes, director of LHOTL. no accidental self-defense death here. oh no, this was cold-blooded revenge murder, and it was fucking sweet...

oh yeah, i totally wouldn't waste money seeing this movie. i've really just spelled out everything for you, and you're not missing anything. the gratuitous boobs weren't that great, and $11 is way to much to pay to see some dude get the shit kicked out of him. me, i just see these things because it's my hobby. just as aaron will go see a crappy concert and colonel honey mustard will eat a crappy sandwich, i go to see crappy movies. it's a curse...

oh, one more thing. this movie was fucked up, but two other things happened at it that are even more fucked up. first, right after the horribly uncomfortable rape scene, a couple walked out of the theater. normal enough, you might think; maybe it was just too much for them. what made this just plain wrong is that this couple walked out WITH THEIR TWO KIDS, AGES 5 AND 10! holy shit, what the fuck is wrong with you two jackasses?! first off, the movie was a 10:20pm showing, so those little bastards should be in bed. second, there's no way they don't come out a little screwed up from seeing some girl get horribly raped. third, and perhaps the worst part, the people left AFTER the rape scene. it's like they saw what they needed to see, so they could now go home and enjoy the rest of their evening. that should seriously be grounds for calling child protective services...

the second fucked up thing involved these three little hipster fags after the theater. this 16 yr old bastard wearing chuck taylors (god how i hate those), girl's jeans, an ironic vintage t-shirt, and having emo hair calls up his friend right after the movie gets out, tells him how it ends, and then a bunch of similar fags stand around to discuss how it's the worst thing they've ever seen. they were actually pissed off that it was so bad. what the fuck did they expect? did they not read one review, or even the plot description, before going to the movie? me, i paid good money to see something i knew was going to be absolute garbage, because that's just what i do. these kids were apparently expecting an oscar winner or something. sorry man, scorsese couldn't step in to direct this one, he was busy. fucking idiots...

LHOTL: god i hate hipsters...

As Good As It Gets: remember when helen hunt was famous?

last night The Girlfriend and i sat down to dinner and a movie. i cooked dinner, which usually happens, and she got to pick the movie. whenever one of us picks a movie, the other invariably retains veto power (this is so i don't end up watching The Holiday seventeen times, and so she never has to sit through Midnight Meat Train). thankfully, i didn't have to exercise that power last night: she chose As Good As It Gets.

most of you have seen this movie, but i haven't written about it yet (the joys of a new blog), so here we go. first of all, this REALLY should have won best picture over Titanic. james cameron was sweet as hell in the 80s and early 90s (aliens, terminator, terminator 2, abyss, etc), but then he made the love-fest that was Titanic and ruined himself for the next 10 years. fuck you cameron, bring back corporal hicks and destroy some fucking robots. the only good things about Titanic are:

1. unexepected full frontal nudity from kate winslet. in a PG-13 movie, my 14 year old movie-going self completely did not expect this. this is something you could only have gotten away with during the Clinton administration. goddamn FCC...
2. when the ship goes down and that guy bounces off the propeller. the noise he makes is just classic...

yeah, that's it. the other 3 hours = crap. leo should've knocked that bitch off that table...

but i digress. back to As Good As It Gets. jack nicholson is just amazing in this movie. i'm not going to analyze the character other than to say that he seems to have no superego blocking his id. for those of you who don't know what that means, take a fucking introductory psychology class. anyway, he just says what he's really feeling no matter how much it may hurt someone, and 99% of the time what he says is awesome. my favorite line:
Woman: "how do you write women so well?"
Jack being awesome: "i think of a man, and take away reason and accountability."
i never get tired of seeing the look on that woman's face when he just completely crushes her dreams of a romantic novelist.

brilliant. it makes me hope that the people who write romance novels are actually grossly obese world of warcraft players living in their parents' basement. one can dream...

so yeah, jack is sweet. and greg kinnear is pretty damn good too. this guy is the quintessential supporting actor. i'm sure he's headlined movies before, but with the exception of Stuck Together with matt damon, i haven't seen any (that movie, btw, is actually funny, and has eva mendes, who is supremely bonable). greg plays a gay man pretty well (living in san francisco, i now feel like i am qualified to make that judgment), and he has a lot of pretty funny moments. mostly he serves as jack's cannon fodder, which works fine for me. the more funny lines that are possible because of him, the better. good job, greg kinnear.

this brings me to helen hunt. she used to have a career, right? she was in about 15 different movies in the late 90s. i really hope she invested that money, because she hasn't done shit since. can't say as this really bothers me, since she wasn't that great to begin with. that is a fivehead if i've ever seen one (one more than a forehead).

helen won an oscar for this role, and i can't exactly say i know why. The Girlfriend thinks it's for that scene where she cries about wanting to have a man in her life again. me, i think it's because the acadamy loves female characters who spout dialogue that looks good written down but doesn't exist because PEOPLE DON'T FUCKING TALK LIKE THAT!!! best example of this = Juno. most teenagers can't even string together enough grunts to communicate that they just shit their pants, and yet little ellen page sounds like jonah hill from superbad met nathaniel hawthorne. what the fuck...

back to helen hunt. they dress her as frumpily as humanly possible. good lord, they were just trying to make her ugly in this movie. you miss having a man in your life? don't dress like the house-marm from the Facts of Life. wear a push-up bra, put on some heels, put on a dress that doesn't go down to your ankles. seriously, was she amish in this movie? helen hunt is (was) actually a fairly attractive woman (see, e.g., What Women Want).

so we know it's possible. the one slight flash of attractiveness from helen in As Good As It Gets is when she confronts jack for being a nice guy (to which she responds that she'll never sleep with him ever, forever ending the debate of whether nice guys do in fact finish last). in this scene, she ran through the rain (couldn't wear a coat?), finally gets to his front door, and then just as he's about to answer, realizes her nips are showing through her shirt. i love gratuitous female boobage, and thank you hollywood for pandering to my adolescent needs.

seriously though, if you haven't seen this movie, go rent it. it's worth it for the comedy, and actually has a decent love story in it too (contrary to popular belief, i do enjoy love stories, just not ones that involve jude law). trust me, this movie won oscars for a reason...

unlike The English Patient.

oh, one more thing. speaking of actors who were in a bunch of stuff but now do nothing, this movie has cuba gooding jr in it. what happened to him? oh yeah, he made Chill Factor, Snow Dogs, Boat Trip, and Radio. you never go full retard, cuba!


As Good As It Gets - jack nicholson's 48394234th oscar nomination, and 3rd win.