Green Street Hooligans: elijah wood can take a punch. who knew?

last night, instead of getting a good night's sleep before my copyright final like a normal person, i stayed up until 3:30am watching Green Street Hooligans. it goes without saying that my grade is probably going to suffer, but it was worth it.

the moose was my exam; the statue was me...

Green Street Hooligans is a fantastic movie. elijah wood stars as a kid who get's expelled from harvard because his preppy roommate through him under the bus when the school found drugs in their room. in order to make himself feel better, the preppy bastard give elijah $10,000. at first frodo says no way, but then realizes he's fucked anyway, he might as well get some cash. so he takes the money, packs his bags, and heads to london to see his older sister (played by the fantastically hot claire forlani). elijah meets his sister's husband's brother, who is a soccer hooligan (though we don't really know that yet). in order to get some alone time with the sister, the husband gives elijah some cash and makes his brother take him to the soccer match. i would've shoved the little midget out the door to get some nookie with claire forlani too, manners be damned. it's once elijah and the brother (pete, played by the british guy from undeclared) head out that things get interesting.

this movie is all about soccer hooliganism. across the pond, soccer teams have "firms," which are basically gangs consisting of people worse than patriots, raiders, and packers fans all put together. what do these firms do? they do what any good fan does, get shitfaced and beat the living shit out of the fans (here, firms) of other teams. these guys pretty much rule certain parts of london, but they only fight each other. it's like fight club, but with more drinking and in public. and really, that's what makes this movie cool. it's an indepth look at the life of a soccer hooligan (goddamn hooligan is a fun word to say. hooligan hooligan hooligan), basically exploring who they are, why they do it, and just how obsessed these people are with their teams. but they're not obsessed in the pussy way that american fans are obsessed (ie, wearing team colors all the time, getting a team-themed room in their house, making their wife/prostitute call them lombardi during sex). no, these guys are obsessed in that they live and breathe their teams, and are completely willing to whip the everloving shit out of you for liking some other team. if we had this kind of rivalries in the states, the entire eastern seaboard would have killed each other off. and really, wouldn't that make the world a better place?

imagine being able to curb-stomp these guys, and NOT be the result of a nationwide manhunt... *sigh*

so the movie explores little elijah's descent into the world of hooliganism (hooliganism hooliganism hooliganism... sweeeeeeet), and the inevitable consequences (broken noses, blood, learning how to not hit like a girl, etc). this isn't a documentary, and there is actually a good story in there, so don't feel like watching this movie is akin to doing homework or *shudder* learning... the music is good, the direction is good, the way the movie is shot is good. maybe this is because the chick who directed this did punisher: war zone, and she sure can film people getting seven shades of shit knocked out of them. so grab a pint, put on your favorite west ham united jersey, and enjoy this movie.

oh, and watch it with the subtitles on. you can't understand those limey fucks for shit otherwise...

Green Street Hooligans: could've used more boobs, but still pretty damn good.

The Mist: yes, a movie about a low-level weather formation can be good...

ok, this movie isn't really about mist. that was a just a shot to my friend Bly, who, when i rented The Fog back in college, refused to be terrified of any "low-level weather formation." Bly was right, The Fog was a terrible fucking movie. and i mean terrible. i love bad movies, but The Fog had no redeeming qualities whatsoever. plus the dude from Smallville's in it, and he molests collies...

who can resist that face... or that ass...

The Mist, on the other hand, is actually a good movie. it's based off of a stephen king novella by the same name in the Skeleton Crew collection, and both mediums are definitely worth your time. in this story, king does what he's best at, taking a fairly creepy situation, throwing in a pinch of the supernatural, and using that as a basis for peering into the depths of humanity. that's what The Mist is really about: humanity. we get a bunch of different types of people stuck in close quarters with a REALLY shitty situation, and we see just who they are after you strip away all of society's pressures and instructions. king strips people down to their bare personalities, and this is more shocking than anything hidden in the mist. some people shine under pressure; some people freeze up; some people look to someone, anyone, to lead them; and some people just go batshit insane. it's this mix of people that makes this movie great.

oh, and frank darabont. thank god there is ONE guy out there who can make a good movie out of a stephen king story. darabont did Shawshank Redemption (EVERYONE loves this movie) and The Green Mile (also good). darabont also changed the ending to The Mist from what it is in the novel, and he would only make the movie if his ending stayed in. when he showed it to king, king loved it. that should give you a bit of a clue as to how awesome it is. and that's all i'll say about the ending... back to the rest of the movie...

what's the actual plot of this thing? long story short, a really bad storm hits a small town, and a bunch of the townsfolk go to the local safeway-type store to get supplies. then a dude comes running in screaming that something grabbed a guy in the mist, they close the doors, and this incredibly thick mist comes sweeping in. i live in san francisco, land of perpetual fog, and we ain't got nothin on this mist. it's like god decided to cheech and chong the place... so all of these people are trapped in the store, wondering what the hell's going on. is that guy nuts, should they leave, should they stay, what to do... what to do... well, i'm not going to tell you. you just need to see it for yourself, and take my word for it, you won't be disappointed...

on to the characters. thomas jane (of 2004 Punisher fame) is the main guy, and he does a good job of being reasonable under extreme pressure. plus he hits a giant flying lizard thing with a flaming mop, and how cool is that. a woman who looks like amy smart's older, less-attractive sister is one of the main female roles, and she does well enough looking like she's always on the verge of tears. ollie the bagboy is pretty sweet, mostly for the line "the human species is fundamentally insane." well-put, ollie. there is also a really cool old lady, the sherminator from American Pie fame (and i use that term loosely), and more decent supporting cast.

the best character in the movie, hands down, is marcia gay harden as mother carmody. she is scarier than anything else in the movie, and you're just hoping she dies the entire time. mother carmody is an uber-religious bag of crazy, and she thrives on the stress of the situation. the creatures in the mist are horrible, demonic, and creepy, but they don't hold a candle to this woman once she gets going. remember carrie's mom in Carrie? remember just how crazy she was when she tried to kill her daughter and her "dirty pillows" for going to the prom ("they're all gonna laugh at you!!!")? yeah, she ain't nothin compared to mother carmody. if ever there was a reason to hate religion, this bitch is it...

not pictured: sanity

as i said, this movie revolves around the interactions between people thrown together in an other-worldly situation, and the consequences of those interactions. and that bitch right up there is the cause of a whole mess of trouble. the part was written amazingly well, and harden does an insanely good job of making you hate her. i mean really, it gets to a point where you're thinking, "ok, it's either stay here with a woman who's nuttier than a payday bar, or brave the deadly, horrible, twisted creatures in the mist that will almost certainly kill me in a particularly gruesome and painful manner. just give me a broom handle with a knife duct-taped to it and let's do this shit. bring on the mist!"

"shit, forgot the knife..."

good job, frank darabont and company. thank you for renewing my hatred of evangelical religion. oh, and for renewing my fear of spiders. holy fuck were those things evil...

The Mist: most depressing/awesome ending ever. EVER.